i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
that may or may not have been my penis.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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