just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
