Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize