Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
