WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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