So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize