dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
