I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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