she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
