Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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