Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize