I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
