My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Drunk is not a location!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
