why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
