Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
