So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
foreskin is a definite game changer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone signed my nipple.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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