Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
