I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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