**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Two words: blizzard sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
