So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Randomize
