Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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