my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
