taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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