For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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