when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
