If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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