if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
