6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
