Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
