oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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