His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
