Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
