You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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