If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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