Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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