My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
