Please, let me fuck your mom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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