I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
