Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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