i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
