Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
