I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My dad just said "fuck circus"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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