I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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