Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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