those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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