I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
