My liver just broke up with me...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
