his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
