I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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