Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
