When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
