Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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