birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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