I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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