well I can't set my house on fire every night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
