my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
