How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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