I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
