Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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