so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
